MORTAL FOOD!
Alas, I no longer have the name or address of the original author to
credit this to. I cam across it almost 10 years ago, and have been
amazed the last two or three times I've gone to look for it, that it
hasn't shown up in a Google search yet.
Saxony, a friend of mine, asked for a copy of this to share with her list of friends.
That made me think the rest of you should see this, and re-invigorate the story and get it archived all over the place, so that future generations will know the joy, of Mortal Food.
Enjoy All.
===8<==============Original message text===============
Date: Thu, 30 Apr 1998 02:37:10 -0500 (CDT)
Subject: Hostess Lemon Pies
I swear this is a true story. I have witnesses to similar things
said by the people involved, from earlier in the evening. And if I knew
who any of them were, about 25 people in the Emergency room waiting room
of the Lafayette General Hospital were witnesses to this account.
Lafayette used to have a really cool bar named Nightcaps, which became my
favorite place to hang out once I figured out that I could get in free
before 10, drink Cuervo Gold shots for a dollar, dance while there was
room on the dancefloor to dance, and leave completely trashed just about
the time the frat guys showed up.
Now in this nightclub, the DJ listened to industrial music, and the
manager let him play cool industrial stuff until the sorority girls showed
up (at which point he had to stop because the people on the dancefloor
scared them away.)
So there was a crowd of regulars, most of which were pretty gothic and
wore all black and died their hair black and really liked to dance in a
box like a dying swan, something I found out they practice in their spare
time. Although I usually do not dance in a box like a dying swan, I was a
member of this crowd of freaks. I only dance in a box like a dying swan
when I am being sarcastic. I am one of the few people that I know that
can get away with dancing sarcastically.
Well, one night one of these "batboys" as we so affectionately called the
box dancers, got into a fight with his ex-wife and her girlfriend, in the
middle of the dance floor. Some large preppy guys came to the defense of
the ladies and punched said batboy in the nose, breaking it. His best
friend batboy had a crush on me and had been coming up to me (and to my
friend Celeste) all evening, and leaning over really close to my neck
near my ear and saying "Jennifer. I hunger." in this really throaty voice
he'd probably just figured out how to do. He did this all evening, in
spite of the number of times we refered him to the hamburger stand
outside. Finally he said to me once "I do not hunger for mortal food."
Like he was convincing.
So anyway, the mortal food guy had to bring the guy with the broken nose
to the emergency room, and he begged me to go with them so he wouldn't
have to sit alone in the waiting room. So I went.
In the car on the way to the hospital, they kept talking about how "Azrael
was going to make that guy pay" and "Azrael was the one that brought them
over and she will protect them" and blah blah blah. Being myself, I asked
them what they meant when they said that Gargamel's cat brought them over,
but they just glared and/or bled in my general direction.
Finally we got to the hospital and we waited and these guys were really
drunk. So the one with the broken nose finally gets to see the nurse and
she brings him to the doctor and we don't see him for quite a long time.
I'm sitting in the waiting room with Mr. Mortal Food, who has to get up to
go to the bathroom to puke every twenty minutes or so. I get SO bored.
So I decide that I need something to drink and I go to the coke machine,
partly to get me a break from Mr. Mortal Food. But there's a snack
machine right next to the coke machine and in the snack machine were
HOSTESS LEMON PIES!!!! Realizing that Hostess Lemon Pies are the source
of all good in the world, I bought one and I sauntered back to my seat.
By this time, the guy was crying and really drawing a lot of attention to
himself, not to mention his make-up was running. And he was whining about
how could this happen and Azrael had sworn to protect them and the other
guy didn't deserve to have any harm come to him and he had a broken nose
and we were sitting in the hospital waiting to find out if this guy was
gonna be alright and sob sob sob.
So I look over at him and I say "Would you like some? Hostess Lemon Pies
are the source of all good in the world." So he screams in disgust at the
top of his lungs "MORTAL FOOD!!!!!!!" gets up and pukes in the garbage
can.
So now you know how to torture goth people who pretend to be vampires but
really get up in the day and go to work at computer jobs. Offer them
Hostess Lemon Pies. They are the source of all good in the world. And
they ward off vampires.
For weeks, about ten of us would scream "MORTAL FOOD!!!!" everytime we
went to the dorm snack machine.
Excuse me but I must consume a corndog now.
===8<===========End of original message text===========
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